its now day 16 of sleepless nights.
i dont think its healthy for me to be like this,
but my health is definitely getting worse.
I cant even go a day without of coughing.
and relying heck of a lot more on my puffer,

i dont think i can handle all this.

someone please come n pick me up and pack me away in my dreams i so sorely miss.
i want to say that i cant even do what i want with my own unconsciousness.

if lord your listening to this prayer,

i pray to you firstly not for myself but for Rose,
that i pray that you show her peace in mind especially for the upcoming HSC which starts in a day from now. I pray that you keep her comfort and help her through it.
On that note i pray Lord, please also place ur hand not on but with those who need a hand to hold during this time of all the HSC students. A lot of them are stressing and need that lil reassurance that you have that plan for them,
i pray they can find shelter in this love that is advertise but those of your people.
I pray for my brother Chun, that you help him through his difficulties and take him into your arms again.
and lastly for those dearest to me you keep them in good spirits.
I hope Jesus, you be with them.


I'm sorry God, but you haven't got me to be with you right now.
I just need to find my place again.
What ever your doing, whether i like it or not.
I can't feel this love you have any more.
So if u r there,
show me.

I hope you get to read this rose,

i thank you alot of caring and always checking up on me.
Im very lucky to have a friend who cares alot for me like that.
And i kno that i have people in this world who care,
i was arrogant and just out of mind, BUT however i dont need to know that they do,
cos if they do or did, great way of showing it, and if they havent yet then i apologise in advance.
I have fear of being alone, and right now the silence is freakin DEAFENING.

Rose, I have been trying to get over you this and all.
But im not going to lie to myself and say im not still in love with you.
I don't want you to feel as if you're hurting me, but that cant be helped.
I dont know that i'd do without you in my life,
but obviously we cant be the same as before.

I dont need your sympathy, and you may think you are, but you are.
I dont want it nor need it.
Please just let me be.
I might be depressed, but life for me is beyond repair.

thanks.

ive gotten back into bad habit again.
i mean it makes me feel at ease to kno that ive done it,
but doesnt excuse the fact that i did.

it makes me feel great and one less thing on my mind, but at the same time, i feel low i feel worse than low.
I dont think i can stand it any more, im trying to stop.

and while bad habits keep coming i should really stop using the stick.
I started not too long ago, cos work has been pushing me and well the whole situation with rose is getting me down in the dumps, a lil relief from the stick is quite good.
Ive become who ive hated.
I feel horrible, yet good, dirty yet i feel as if im cleaning myself out.
i dont want to know that one day this will kill me.
But yet im in the comfort of knowing that if i go now, this would affect almost nobody,

i mean considering that this year i turned 18,
no one bothered to celebrate with me.
Nothing from the best friend, cos she was overseas having fun (this is legitimate) but others who i thought were great friends, nothing. I dont mind if you dont give me anything, or if you even gimme a text, but nothing....
i guess im quite non existent huh...
fuck it. i dont give a rats ass, cos well its been like this always.

Its been a while since ive been on here, been depressed and just down for quite a while now.
Pills or stick hasnt helped, but it has eased it a bit.

I want to get something off my chest cos well everything is soooo public now days,
and even though this is too, a lot less people know about it nor do they know about it.



So Rose was at study camp not too long ago and was apparently one of the best times of her life, to even say that it was more sad to leave the camp than graduation. Its says quite a lot doesnt it?
At the study camp not only are there quite a little amount of people who attend the camp and at the end of it theres a semi formal, for the formal to work, each guy is presented with a name, this name holds the person that they must not only go to the semi formal to but they must propose before they go.
SO, theres a down to earth guy, a good friend, that i really do hope nothing happens, to happens to have the name of rose, he's one lucky guy.

If i had the chance to take rose to something even remotely similar, i would be out of this world, so for him to actually be able to take her, i hope he felt even half of the excitement i would.
btw tis 11:11 now... besides the point.

So all these pictures of the most beautiful person on this earth, are always popping up infront of me.
And i can't help but to think, mayb she has moved on, even after promise.

I cant let go of the fact that im not even remotely over her, im jealous to the point, that this guy who i have an infinite respect for, im starting to not hate, but not exactly feel any sort of respect right now towards him, the worse thing is, theres an enormous amount of comments of thoughts unknown to the current circumstances that float around the public atmosphere, when i think,
that should be me, is she thinking about how this might affect me? is she missing me? would she even come back to me at all?
the answer is quite obvious for a while now...
i dont want to be like this selfish, jealous boy, i just want her back.
I need her back, add some stability to my life.

my name is kenny yin,
and tonight i dont sleep again.