Often i fall into this darkness that envelops myself and only myself...
it forms this barrier between me and the outside.
And it seems like in just trapped in this black bouncing ball...
and as i pass by everyone, i realise that sometimes its sooo hard just to see pass the thickness of charcoal casing that i'm encased within, that sometimes we pass all these memories too with all these people and so get so frustrated we become so upset and mad about those who we can only see vaguely...

But in all honestly its until one spot clears up that we can see those who are close by and helping you reach out beyond this darkness that you trapped yourself in.
And when that does happen you realise that little trail that you've left behind on those who cared for you, and realise the pain and hurt you have given them because you only focus on being masked towards them...
Sometimes we can't fully understand this, until we outta the emotional illusion....
and then sometimes its too late.
But what's the lesson? no matter how hard it may be to recover those you've left behind, follow your trail, n save those who tried save you.
its going to be ok. =]

If but safety is what you seek,
You have it, love as well.
I have found something in you,
A quality not often present.
I see something that truly…
Inspires me.
Something that comforts me.
Something that fulfills me.
Your voice, mellow as the whisper of a wave in the morn,
Yet… thrice as calming.
Your beautiful blue eyes, such as the summer skies just before sunset,
Are filled with promise and hope.
The tides of your personality ebb and flow,
Through the high and the low, I am here.
Your heart; a night sky, star-filled and clear.
Your touch, calming as the warm sand on a summer eve.
Your skin, as flawless as a wave-warn piece of sea glass,
Soft to the touch as well as to the eyes.
I am a wave who will forever return to the shore of your friendship.
We walk along the beaches of your past,
Strewn with oh, but the most beautiful of shells
And the sharpest of glass.
But in the times that there is a need to tread on the glass of painful
memories,
I’ll carry you over it…
And then forever past it,
Safely in my arms.


spoken by a scholar of not wisdom, but of experience.
So i dont kno why i need a reason.....
=(

  Then said Almitra, 'Speak to us of Love.'

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.

And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart,' but rather, I am in the heart of God.'

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Khalil Gibran


it ceases to always capture my moments.
This is one of my favourite poems from Khalil.

No matter how i might try to hide my sorrows from the people around me......
its shows..
So to those who witness my lack of enthusiasm im sorry.
For those with an open ear or arm... u dont kno this but its so much easier to really see the things that raise me up because of you guys.

Ah...rose i kno u wrote that on the wall btw....
i dont kno ever made u think u were in the way...
no matter how i try to show that i only care that deeply for u... i dont kno what else to do...
i dont want to lose u...
neither do i want you to push me away for the wrong reasons....
like chasing another a girl...
in my mind thats no different to adultery if i did....
i need to know the real reasons....
let me be the one to decide if it is for my own good or not yeah?
take all the time u want... it's all i have right now..
just remember...
Amare Sine Timore

four seasons.... hold me tight.

so the wrap is like this.....
its over.
theres nothing to get up from.
game has ended, buzzer has sounded....
n defeated, no second shot.... no chance
never had any... just this little bubble which i chose to live in.
if she is reading this...
i really did love her.... she changed my thoughts...
she floated everything....
yet somehow even after all that i can do anything to be hers.....
so in reality.....
my list....
means nothing...... what list you ask.....
well this one.....

SO once again its over.
i ask you.....do i stay defeated or try again?
you've got a day to convince me by the chat box.

ive decided to vent tonight.
only cos i need some sort of release.

if your reading this dont sympathise for me, dont talk to me abt it, just
at most feel sorry for me n drop it =]
cos i kno u care, i dont need reminders.
im sry if that sounds bad, but hey wat can i say i dont like that feeling of others having to care for matters that are quite in fact silly.
this may hurt [ as in the stuff that about to right] its bruised me quite well.




WAT THE FUCK?!
IM SICK OF IT.
so yeah my mum is at it again.
she has incapability for feeling sorrow towards this mess that i call my life.
wanna kno the details?


well so i landed my job. good mum thinks i'll have some security right?
nope. still a hobo.
thats just the nice way i've put it.
anyways so i lent her my camera [not really lent, she just kinda took it off me awhile ago n said she needed it for work, but when i asked for it back i was rejected n given a big fat "FUCK OFF U LITTLE INGRATEFUL PRICK"  n thats the nice way she put it....
something that not only did i mostly paid for by myself, she says no.
oh ok.... that ok. i'll ask wen she's in a better mood...
yeah right?....... so anyways day b4 mother's day.... i thought since dad is pushing to be so nice towards mum... lets get her a present, i got her a nice jacket... may not be expensive since i dont have that sorta cash to support myself.....but yeah.... seems to enjoy it. she deserts the family ON mother's day to go china for some contiki tour in shanghai..... n not only takes my camera there but BREAKS MY GOOD LENSE AND MY CAMERA.......yep.....
@#$%^&*(*&^%$%^&$#@$%^&^%$#$%&*&@%&^$*%^#*@(&%#^@%#*@%$

wait thats not the worse bit....

i get to the conclusion.... ok.....
thats changebale, get a new lense, repair the camera.....
thats ok... set me back just a bit...

SHE LEAVES IT IN FUCKIN CHINA...
YEAH NOT SO REVERSABLE NOW HUH...........

so instead of setting me back mayb at most $700 or sooo......
it'll cost me a ticket to china there AND back... plus repairs..... just to get the camera...
sooooo heres the great bit. SHE ISNT PAYING FOR SHIT!!!!!
WAT THE FUCK........INSTEAD SHE SAYS YOU NEED TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN THINGS....
FUCK YOU.... SRSLY I KNO YOUR MY MUM BUT I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND YOUR STUPIDITY SOMETIMES!!!!!

ahhh but she steps it up AGAIN.
she buys a better camera..... n shoves it in my face n says U AINT LAYING A FINGER ON IT!!!!
 SO HERES THE WRAP UP.
 1.TAKES MY CAMERA
 2.DOESN'T RETURN MY CAMERA
 3.BREAKS MY CAMERA
 4.NO CAMERA FOR KENNY.

sooooo sick of that part ohhhhhh it gets more stupid...
so tonight after a crap day at work.
i ask mum a quick question about getting a haircut with my stylist [since he moved to a different store n i didnt kno] n she says
"no im not telling you, even if you go get a haircut.. u'll still look like a homeless man...
no one ikes your hair, no one likes you, even your so called friends.
thats the most polite version.....

so my life? not so great wen im with my mum.








so for the next move.
soooooooo kenny is someone is one layered.
i dont start very good convos.
i cant keep one for long enuf.
but it seems it gets me buy.
until ppl get sick of me.
so wat do i do?
i move on?
im sick of moving on.
why dont ppl move for me?
why? cos im unimportant to them.
except the tiny select few who i couldnt live without.
yeah that should be enuf right?
but sometimes its hard to fight me into the busy schedules
oh wells.
kenny is
ALONE.

im sick of it.
i think im just gonna hide...
you kno i miss alot of ppl.
i wonder if they miss me....

i miss rose.
i miss otter.
i miss owen
i miss ben
i miss cameron
i miss tanny
i miss todd
i miss sherleen
i miss carly
i miss britto
i miss inna
i miss justin
i miss my usuals......
i miss chloe
i miss julina
i miss ina
i miss tiff
i miss alice
i miss josh
i miss EVERYONE............ if i didnt write your name its cos i cant be fucked..... its not cos u dont matter to me.... just my minds quite melted right now........







FUCK ME.

what makes you lose sleep at night?

me?
wat can i say besides i lucky enuf to even sleep.
sometimes things get me thinking, n sometimes its like i go through this stage of connections of points as i like to call it, as i think one thing that links to another that links to another.....
n sometimes u can only connect so much that eventually comes back to the first point you were thinkin about.... but the thing is that sometimes im so sick of thinking about the same things resulting in me thinking the same things, that when a new thought of connection comes in it already has a negative portrayal, because it can be associated about my previous thoughts.
YES, i get im just went through a loop with you there.
u get my jist.
END OF THE DAY..... I MISS THOSE PPL I CAN REGULARLY DEPEND ON.
not cos they dont care for me any more but they just seem to be somewhere else wen i need them to be there.

so what happened?
well u c..... work was crap. got nothing done...
did literally 6 things today out of mayb 49 on a regular day....
no jokes.
worse? the one person who i truly depend upon to fulfil my happiness shoves me in the face...
why? cos well we have nothing to talk about...
yeah nothing... quite broad huh? n as i asked really? nothing?
replies n says.
yeah......

wow she really cares. =( maybe im just too much of a distraction to her own world that my existence in hers in just a bothersome thing....

ah wells its like, end of the night...
im alone, only with my best friend cheering me up as always.
ily.

peace.
cos thats the thing i'll never have.

SO ITS BEEN AWHILE......
yeah quite a while...
so i wouldnt be surprised if no1 reads this hole anymore but i suppose thats something i'll enjoy =]
ANYWAYS
my lil rant starts here again.....

So im caught in the middle again, this time its not exactly territory that i've been at for awhile or often....
SO what am i talking about?
well its about faith this time.
SO since i was born into Buddhist family..... it quite hard to ignore.. lets say tradition.
My grandma, the one person i love the most in this world, is probs the biggest buddhist ive witness in my life... well in my physical sight and perimeter.
So sometimes its kinda confusing finding that right faith....
And only recently have i stepped into what i would call my christian caling.
I mean there is nothing different the communities that i have been in, only besides the obvious belief system...
BUT yet... i feel as if deeply, my roots belong to probably the oldest surviving religions in this world... i feel i belong to this religion, but yet i know that my faith belongs to christ....
so how do i turn someone i love so much into the faith i believe in and save her?
i dont kno how... i dont kno if i should...
my grandma =(