This is post i thought about writing quite a few times, but never got myself to publish or even finish writing it, as my feelings change about this all so often, So while im still in the emotion of regret, For those who don't know me well, me and my mum are like a cat to water.
This post wont make much sense to anyone, but nonetheless i must get this off my chest.
I'm sorry mum. All my life i've been one big disappointment to you. It saddens me sometimes, i feel like I'm a fugitive running away from the authorities, never able to be fully understood for my actions and quite often i don't blame you. But the thing that bothers me the most is this one question my friend asked me, "Do you see your mum attending your wedding?" and to be honest, i don't want you anywhere near my friends, near my future partner's friends and family. This is the cold sad truth. No matter how i try to reason out your actions, you worsen it by stepping your attitude up, by doing something completely unacceptable in my eyes. Yet I'm sorry, it takes me nothing to pity you now which is quite sad. I'm sorry you could never keep and real friends. I'm sorry you can never have all the wealth you want. I'm sorry your son isn't a scholar! I'm sorry you can't flaunt me around to everyone saying i'm a good kid! Some how you raised me to be someone of such complexity..... there was nothing simple about the way you treated me since young, nothing simple about the life i've lead compared to my little brother and sister, nothing simple about the things i've done and how you reacted to them.
NOTHING.
I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye, but at the same time, i wish you could even just think from a normal point of view. No matter how hard i try i know i'll never be that kid you wanted me to be, because i know that version of me you wanted me to be would be just as selfish as you. This is why, I wish i could treasure you, i really wish i could, but never can i ever feel that warmth a mother should have... instead i feel this emptiness from you, i do things to benefit you, and when it doesn't i get lost...... i'm sorry you feel this sorta way, but at the same time, i'm glad that you've put me through this, because now i know
I WILL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!
I will never raise my kids with your values, i will never let you harm my friends, i will never let you ruin the family even more, and honestly the greatest shame is that i can NEVER say i love mum like any other kid.
I'm sorry mum.
