Pʀoȷɛcʈ Wɪɳɢƨ - .x
ɗʀɛɑɱɩɳʛ ơʋʈ ʟơʋɗ. Ɛʌȯƪʋʈɨǫȵɑʀỵ
My word, our wings.
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
i cant write anymore. i just can't.
i'm sry otter. im afraid. im scared. im alone? =,(
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Monday, March 29, 2010
I usually love the rainy weather, the coldness, the lack of sun and the chilly breeze, except for that musky smell that rain has. But today for reasons close to my heart, i'm alone, inside, wallowing..... =( i wish i had some sorta routine to keep me in my place. I've been meaning to get something out that i haven't been able to in a while. Theres a reason why i'm try to make the most of the days that i can with you. Theres a reason why it seems like im haunting you. The reason i that, while it may be convenient to you, it isn't so convenient to me..... I need to be working by that time and so that leaves me with no time to fill the gaps with you. And then theres the fact that we must part ways later.... whether its worth it to stay in sydney is soooo unclear. If you asked me 2 weeks ago, i would of said, i would budge even if someone had to carry me away. But now.... it seems like a totally playing field. I don't like this feeling. i don't like this darkness. Oh n im sorry otter. i sorta lost hope in you since you didn't call me back, but i think once again my brain exploded... =( hella sorry n i didnt bother calling back..... ahhhh i suck.
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Its been a while since ive written.... im sry. just so many things have happened. And i find that i'm only writing when im sorta down or alone. I thought the whole challenge of the list, would keep me online more, but really i lost the knack for posting. BUT hey i have actually been writing just, not posting so above will be some posts that i've written several days before. Heres my wrap for today. 1/ my list, days that ive missed n todays 2/ my little rant since, i know u miss it much. Day 03 — Your favorite television program I never really watched many television programs, but say if it was a sitcom or show wise. It'll have to be 'How i met your mother' and 'One tree hill" Only cos this shows both know me well. And then theres 'skins' a show that always reminds me of the shit that happens in this world, n how im lucky im not in half of it. But if u say regular television, i like sports shows or games, news, docos, game shows, movies i havent seen in a while and just stuff that interests me. I know quite broad. =] Day 04 — Your favorite book I never read much... so i dont know what to say, but right now my favourite book would have to be one i read when i was in early high school. Called "Pyrates" about these kids, one of whom was actually related to a historic pirate in his days, n find his map and search through the undergrounds of the modern suburban city. =] there was another one about, this kid stuck in a middle of a war and gets stranded on a deserted island some how, and has to live with this blind me called charlie... but i dont remember the name..... =( Day 05 — Your favorite quote I have many great quotes i love. I'll never forget the quote in coach carter, about how we more powerful than we can imagine, and then quotes here and there from various shows and people, especially coach whitey. =] But i do love latin and greek quotes. but sry i cant tell u my fav. =P ask me in person n i might. ^ ^ Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Well lets see, amy things tickle my fancy. I love to have an english accent, irish, russian, EVERY accent possible to the english language. xD I love many things. But mostly anything that can mark a moment in my life. =] Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Many photos make me happy, usually just a shot of a friend. But umm recently a photo that i've been caught staring passionately is actually a shot of an angel. She knows who she is. And yeh im looking at it right now..... =( btw its been posted b4 so look through the past to find it =] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SO many things in life, that don't go according to plan. I hate it when you think you have everything figured out and really you dont!! It really shows that we can really never know the circumstances fully as they are ever changing. And its when you assume about these presumptions, that you get caught off guard and get kicked off our high horse. It's like a wet, hard slap in the face, n really brings you back down to earth. For example yesterday, i spent most of my day with rose, visiting her church in westmead, trashed and off my face. But during that time, i fell asleep once, and only pressumed more about a little talk held at her church. But it really brought to realisation of something. I'm one fucking clingy guy. I couldn't stop thinking about just holding her hand or hugging her so tightly she'd pop. When my mind should be on the talks [ which i were just, they weren't as great as i thought they'd be ], i couldnt.... just the fact she was besides me.. i wanted to just let us be. But sadly cruel fate puts me in the fucked worse situations possible to make me learn, the hard way, so it get through this thick head of mine. But yeh, Questions arose from the talk given but they dude from creations ministry. And a sudden burst of reality hit me in the face hard. Yes, i took things into my own hands again. As preparations for lunch was in order with within the pack, i thought hey, dw about my invisibility, just worry about you and your pack, so i snuck out without a word and walked from hall to the mall. But little did i know things turned from meet you there, cos im nothing, to not going, cos i'm nothing and sry ur not on the front line. I hate how sometimes, the little people get thought of last. You know.... But what can you expect right? I mean we cant't really expect to accepted into this schedule that's already full. I don't like my position, but i know i can't do anything but to force myself into it, but right now i'm quite over it, so i'm just gonna focus on other things on the meanwhile, but yeh thats the story and things grew into a thick cloud of shadows n lost sights among the thoughts. =( leading to a discussion of issues passed. I wish i could say these things, but really i must tell another day. Anyways so today has come, And right im miserable and quite tired. I'm discontent about my future paramore, not leaving an opening within her lineup, even though my self am suppose, to be a suitor to those apparent feelings. =( =( don't feel bad for me, feel bad for those who sorta just make me included in their world when its convenient for them. And so i've decided to stop communication of every sort. the last contact point is a little tab. Fone will only communicate if i ask it to, and online wise i will observe and that'll be it. see if i can lst the week?
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Wednesday, March 24, 2010
not the point.
I don't know what to feel anymore.. In a normal day in the world of kenneth yin, so many emotions come and go. yet all i can sum up about it all is incomplete. from the relationships between my family, to the relationships between my friends, to the relationship i wish to have between rose and most of all the relationship between God….. all with me. I mean sure it's easy to feel happy with what i have and often i do feel quite content on just this moment, where im hiding my mind from everything, which is my reality. But when i get back on the earth, i know, my relationships suck. Nothing really comes easy. Heck nothing really even comes hard! They say everything worth having, comes at some sorta price. This price is ever rising. N for what do we pay the price for? maybe temporary happiness to feel the same later about the pathetic life that we live? Yeh i can say i haven't tried all that hard yet, but yet in my mind i feel as if, even if i tried half as hard as the people in my life have…. would it even matter? I mean they try so hard to have a title, a course, a direction, just so they can complain about almost everything that may have a slight bump in their road. Sometimes i just don't get whats the point. I mean sure we try to fulfil ourselves in the world matters, and personal matters, but in the end i feel nothing. If I'm suppose to feel this compassion, well i don't get it. If i'm suppose to feel ANYTHING, then i don't get it. It's so easy for me to put on a mask, because my whole life i've been doing so. But when i take off the mask, its so different, because, theirs no-one there. It's like those glasses, that when you put them on, you see the world in a different perspective, but when you take them off everything is "normal". Well for me my mask is my "happiness", where my "lief" exists, but when i take it off, its an emptiness, THIS, how can i explain it more. Its "LIFE"……. i wish that it was more simpler, more adaptable but it's not. I'm trapped either way. When i take it off, I'm in the dark alone, well at least that i know of, as you can't see much in the dark. But when i leave it on, i know that this life i live is fake. Theres nothing real about a kid who only knows how to live a life that doesn't exist for him. I sometimes wonder. And thats all i can ever do wonder.
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2/Favourite Movie. Love actually. =] but i love almost anything horrific n like ANYTHING!!!! n i ono good story lines, gets me coach carter and RUSH HOUR 2 ULTIMATE FUNNY MOVIE!!!!!!
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Monday, March 22, 2010
1/ 230310
1/ Favourite Song. I dont have a single favourite song, nor a favourite genre of music. But this is the list of songs I'd never get sick of. Christian - Curiosity Varsity FC - Future Love Coldplay - Yellow All-American Rejects - Straightjacket Feeling The Fray - Never say never Jay Chou - Silence Brian McKnight - Back to one Boyz II Men - End of the Road The Script - The man who can't be moved Khalil Fong - Wonderful Tonight Michael Buble - Home Switchfoot- Your love is a song this is just a few. But for me, right now, it'll be Plain White T's - 1,2,3,4 =]
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the challenge.
This is the challenge. This is what will keep me on daily. So if u wanna know just that lil bit more about me then stay tuned. =] Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy
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Saturday, March 20, 2010
heated inspections.
First Off. sry for not posting anything for the past week. Its just flown by like nothing. I feel like im wasting my days, as im still jobless and waiting to start my education.
But today i found a new interest.. called..... POKEMON!!!! Well re-found interest. Its the remake of Pokemon silver and gold, now called "soul silver" and "heart gold" AAAAHHHHHHHHHH sweet memories of my childhood.
I was actually lucky enough to have what i would call a "golden" childhood. Not cos of how awesome it was [ it was pretty awesome ] but because mainly, i remember clearly those golden australian afternoons, the sunsets that glowed with hues of blue, pink and orange. AAAHHHH.
I feel sorry for kids now days, as they don't even play around their neighbourhoods anymore. I mean, no more "can ________, come out to play?", i remember i wasted sooo much time, making failed kites, playdoh, cops and robbers and just at the park kicking the ball, even though i had a miniture soccer field right in front of my house, [ it was massive to me when i was tiny ] but yes, the childhood is perfect. I blame the rise in technology for almost every household, that has risen obesity and less companionship between people in our modern day....... such a diaster.
enough about my childhood.
TODAY. J-Fish and myself, went apartment hunting once again, we spent 5 hours running around epping looking at various open houses, and applied to 7 out of 9 which we had inspected in person..... between that we lunched at "NARA Japanese Restaurant" which was quite good, Picked at an abandoned trolley for my LUCKY $1 !!!! xD and visited GENESIS apartments, where we pretended to be posh sons of a millionaire, inspecting on behalf of "The Father". hehe good times =]
but dam it was hot, but nonetheless, I pray that we secure the place of our first preference. =]
sry theres no message in this post but i'll write something meaningful soon....
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Saturday, March 13, 2010
The BRO's pre Pie day.
1st things first HAPPY PIE DAY!!!!
YES Pie day! wonder why its pie day? well u c, π=3.14, π is Pie, n todays date is?!
yes thats correct. i need im geeky, dam sxc one, shoulda seen me at formal. =D anyways, yes its the 14th March. =]
Anyways today was quite good.
J-fish, Squirrel, Alfro and myself, took a trip to epping today on business and had epic adventures around EVERYWHERE.
FIRST we ran around epping starting from 10!!!!! technically 9 since we met at parra first..
SECOND was a run into 2laine, at eastwood for lunch at eastwood, ahhhh sooo much to catch up on since we havent seen her in 2 yrs!!!! yes otter she is heaps pretty still, but still no ROSE. LOVE.
hehehe
THIRD a trip to Rhodes, always means playing in ikea at least once!!! n we found the best sofa!! it was orgasmic!! like heavon, notice not heaven, BUT heavon thats how close it is!!!!!!!
if only we had $1700!!!!!!! i kno pricey much!!!
LOL then we sent squirrel to work and tripped back to Parra to shop for drinks and start of a fun filled hot pot night, heaps of cleaning, and some vomit. hehe fun right, pretty much parties died n its only 1..... yeh i kno we're not party all that hard.... = (
well we took some luvos om the mac just for the blog sooo enjoy, just for u otter.
DONT BE SAD. WE LOVE!!!! WE LOVE!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!
THE ORIGINAL BROS.
We have fun n we kno it. =]
love.
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Friday, March 12, 2010
running sand.
The saying goes "Time waits for no one" and when you really think of it, it really doesn't, its a not an object which can be put on held or a thing with a personality and waits according to how you feel....
It's a concept that needs to be understood clearly.
It doesn't not change between different cultures, it doesn't change for anyone. It doesn't slow down nor speed up. Its not something obtainable, its not something that can rewind or fast forward. Its something inherit in every religion, every race, every country, everywhere. Its not something that has a price, but yet its something worth treasuring.
"Time, is of the essences" is another saying.
So the message since the beginning of time, is NOT to waste it. Even though we don't exactly know what to use it on most of the time, LOL, but still guys don't live our lives wastefully.
WHY WAIT?!
We wait for that perfect place, we wait for the perfect job, we wait for almost everything we do, why not try obtain it now?! If we don't strive for the success, then we'll never reach it. So the message for myself tonight is quite simple. It's only when it has something to do with romance, does it really cross my mind.
DONT WAIT to find a better place,
DONT WAIT to find a better job,
DONT WAIT to build a relationship,
DONT WAIT to fix up relationships,
DONT WAIT for things that can be done today!
Even though we can only live in the now, my mind is set to wait for tomorrow, but this is the wrong attitude.
FROM NOW ON IT'LL BE:
THINK FOR TOMORROW, START TODAY.
With this said, i'll always keep in mind,
dont wait to tell her you love her, cos we never know what may happen tomorrow.
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Thursday, March 11, 2010
i wish.
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Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sleeping Rose.
You know when you do something so often it becomes sorta routine for you?
And when you don't do it, it just feels as if your out of rhythm?
For example for me is that recently my church was training for a soccer competition, n every thursday we'd train for about 2hrs from 7:30. And since that comp was held just recently, we'd stop training and hence therefore i was outta routine. But there was another add on to this routine for me. Since every thursday i would go, i would visit Rose after school and walk her home after her intuition. But since it's stopped i haven't been able to have an excuse to go see her.
I miss Rose more and more now. Since i've been so pov to the point where i can't even pay for transport. I miss holding her hand. I miss hugging her just whenever i can. I miss walking her home. I miss just being around her. N now it seems like she has to make the effort for us to see each other...... which totally sucks... But the thing about this is i cant really do anything about it... Like until i find a job i can't physically do anything about seeing her. I mean yeh there is always the option of walking there. Which one day i will... but until its totally necessary i wont even consider this.
Anyways now i've gotten into the habit of just talking to her photo and just saying silly little things like "you're soooo amazing", "you're soooo beautiful", "you're just too good for me" and "just the inspiration i need", and more.... and always getting looks from my friends around.
But now days, since i don't get to see her much, i'm quite content on just hearing her voice, even if it means ringing her and just listening to her cute voice mail, "harlo, this is avi, i can't.....' its quite the formal voice mail. Nyways well it's sorta become routine just ringing her to say goodnight. Cos i know that i can always hear her voice at the softest and just really hear her fall tired and go sleep. I ono if its just me but like i love the fact that i'm the last thing she hears before she heads to lalaland. It comforts me that i can tell her that she's important to me and really just sorta calm her to sleep.
Her beauty just amazes me everytime, I just wanna tell the world about her. N yet i wanna keep this beauty to myself... i know im weird that way...
anyways this is my lil rant abt just my rose. ❤rose.
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Monday, March 8, 2010
It's like I'm on a driftwood just slowly drifting away from any land mass and just floating towards the vast emptiness. Besides the usual talk with Rose, i don't really get to go out much with friends i use to hang with all the time.... And it really shows who your real friends are.
Relationships are a two way thing right? if one doesn't communicate, the relationship doesn't work. So partially this is my fault. But as i think upon my whole "friend" group, the most i get to talk to anyone these days besides my room mates are the friends off facebook. Besides the every now and then birthdays with birthday parties, really no one really takes any opportunity to ask me to go out.... K i get the fact i'm broke and under 18. BUT still it would be nice to contact on a regular basis by my so called close friends. ahhhh lonely kid............
one word. LAME!!!......
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shifting tides.
Today i have totally accomplished nothing. Yesterday night was weird. I couldn't sleep so i spent most of the night just changing the look of this blog... like it? well there are a few perks, i added a chatbox, but you'll need to figure it out for urself. There are several bugs, but im not smart enuf to fix them. dw I'll be changing the look soon again. Probs something more simple. But we'll see.
anyways today, I watched ninja assasin. >> pretty hectic movie, like CRAZY!!!! i give it 4 stars, btw its quite bloody. but dam its got heaps cool action scenes.
It's been quite weird cos someone close to me has changed into something else. I mean he was quite good tempered b4, but now he seems to be more aggresive than b4.... its like he's changed into something he use to dislike. AAAHHHHHH hope he figures himself out soon.
BTW.... i've thought abt just maccas...... for job... i kno it goes against my rule... but im quite desperate for money......
This is Rose. Lovely isnt she? i love her dearly. =]
i love this pic of her, one of my favs. v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v
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Sunday, March 7, 2010
=] rant much?
Sometimes we dwell in this place of darkness, just behind the walls where everyone is. It's like we desperately cling to this darkness to make ourselves feel like we are alive, just a bit of pain to attach us to emotion. And we neglect the fact this wall we put up, only shields us from the world, but not the world to us. What i mean by this is that, when we are down, it doesn't take us much to really feel bad for ourselves, but when it comes to feeling happy for ourselves, we really have to tear down that wall to see what it really takes to feel happy.
Today has been sorta weird. I mean there were the usual up and downs, in very unusual ways.... I woke up with a raging headache, and by the time i woke, it was exactly the time the bus left for church. So i called Spliff to grab a lift, being the nicest person and a great friends, she came with no second thoughts, along with Rach. Being me it takes a bit of hesitation to get ready and this eventually leads to me being late. So as we was driving to church, we was just talking and really, for the first time it felt as if i really could just share anything with some friends that wouldnt care if i said all the wrong things, they would laugh and then talk to me seriously about anything. Anyways today's sermon was quite intriguing, It was about how, sometimes it doesnt take much for a lil bit of bad to affect ALL good. And sometimes its true, i mean i'm a living example. =( but dw guys i'll try my best to not infect all of you. Anyways afterwards i went to lunch with the CMi folks n just sat there while everyone was eating, since i had no money, and afterwards as some went home, others went to westfield to watch alice in wonderland and get there ears pierced... (it doesn't look all that painful, but then again what do i know?!..... should i?) anyways, so as they went to watch the movie i left for home and just ate migoreng and watched some stuff on the laptop. All awhile, i should of prepared for going out later. But instead i took it out on Dan for getting to hook on video games and pretty much focus on the game and not trying to make ends meet...... BUT its ok i got everything organised and had a good night. Anyways, so i asked the guys to leave first to get money for the Dinner, so as i was the one who was technically making them late, i took most blame and quite frankly it wasnt half as bad, but just sometimes, when you are protecting someone and they dont know it, and instead they backlash you for it, some times its a bit hard..... BUT the real reason, i was soooo angry about everything, and lashed out cos i couldnt find my cardi.............. silly right? anyways yeh, so we got picked up and then ate dinner and share great time with friends. Sometimes it doesnt take much for me, but that was enough to turn my night around. So as everyone left for home, a brother who we thought would do anything for us, instead just made us walked from Carlo to Parra... but hey guess if he doesnt want to drive us then, well he must have his reasons. Anyways so we walked all the way. We talked most of the way home and just had a great trek.
I want to say HAPPY BDAY KWAN MY LIL BRO!!!! ur growing up in a more better way than i expected and mate you are really like a lil bro to me. Never change and be the good guy u r. =] Mez, i love you lots, you never cease to cheer me with ur wise yet hateful words =P Kat im sooooo sry about ur scrotum..... cough cough. Some mochi? jks... don't stop visiting us.
End of the night i feel a bit nostalgic. there are a few things off topic i must say though. so bare with me? but dw the bottom part is totally unrelated to this. =]
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So tonight I've been thinking. I've always thought of myself as a romantic and for most of my life, its been like a box, collecting notes on how to be the perfect prince to my princesses. And i thought i might blog this out. So here's my list on things i hope to do, become, not become, have happen and just hope that some, if ALL, do succeed.
I want her to have that fairytale she deserves. I want to be that guy that'll change her life as she knew it. I want to be the one who she remembers when ever a certain song comes up, certain objects appear, certain places she goes, certain things happen, you get my gist. I want to be the guy who stole her heart, I want to be the guy who is patched perfectly into the missing hole in her heart. I want to be the guy who'll never disappoint her, I want to be the guy who'll protect her when she is in trouble, I want to be the guy who'll travel, rain, sun or hail, whatever the distance to see her for even a few moments. I want to be the guy that will stay up with her up until she falls to sleep. I want to be the guy she can talk with about anything. I want to be the guy who can take her anywhere she wants. I want to be the guy who can share anything without her judging me. I want to be the guy that can give her what she deserves. I want to be the guy with no limits for her. I want to be the guy who can sweep her off her feet at any time. I want to be the guy who can change her mood with a few actions. I want to be the guy that can show her, she is important in my life. I want to be the guy that always has a smile for her. I want to be the guy she can really tell about to her friends and family. I want to be the guy that sees past all her faults. I want to be the guy who'll treat her right. I want to be the guy with the right words for her. I want to be the guy who can write to her with ease. I want to be the guy who gets nervous about her. I want to be the guy who ticks all her boxes. I want to be the guy that takes all the opportunities for her. I want to be the guy she can depend on, I want to be the guy who can really open her up to limits she doesn't even know of. I want to be the guy who can show her life is AMAZING. I hope she'll be able smile upon seeing me, I hope she'll love all my friends. I hope she accepts me in her world, as i do her in mine. I hope she isn't afraid to lay it to me straight and tell me what i've done wrong. I hope she'll do anything with me without being bored. I hope i never hurt her in any way. I hope she'll travel anywhere with me. I hope that when she kisses me she feels that special something only i have. I hope she'll hug me when ever. I hope she can really find that kid in me. I hope she'll enjoy the things i enjoy. I hope she'll endure my craziness, stupidity, me. I hope she doesn't change for me, but for herself. I hope she really enjoys music. I hope she really enjoys life. I hope she'll expect as much as i can give. I hope she doesn't feel like I have any obligations to be a certain person around me. I hope she is herself around me. I hope she accepts my past and helps me deal with it. I hope she'll LOVE ME FOR ME. I hope she finds TRUE happiness in me. And that's the guy I WANT TO BE.
this is all i can think of right now.... im sry, but it's missing lots. ill update it for you when i really think about this in a sane mind. night guys.
rose, i ❤ u Amare sine timore. ❤
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Friday, March 5, 2010
Condolences Mother.
This is post i thought about writing quite a few times, but never got myself to publish or even finish writing it, as my feelings change about this all so often, So while im still in the emotion of regret, For those who don't know me well, me and my mum are like a cat to water.
This post wont make much sense to anyone, but nonetheless i must get this off my chest.
I'm sorry mum. All my life i've been one big disappointment to you. It saddens me sometimes, i feel like I'm a fugitive running away from the authorities, never able to be fully understood for my actions and quite often i don't blame you. But the thing that bothers me the most is this one question my friend asked me, "Do you see your mum attending your wedding?" and to be honest, i don't want you anywhere near my friends, near my future partner's friends and family. This is the cold sad truth. No matter how i try to reason out your actions, you worsen it by stepping your attitude up, by doing something completely unacceptable in my eyes. Yet I'm sorry, it takes me nothing to pity you now which is quite sad. I'm sorry you could never keep and real friends. I'm sorry you can never have all the wealth you want. I'm sorry your son isn't a scholar! I'm sorry you can't flaunt me around to everyone saying i'm a good kid! Some how you raised me to be someone of such complexity..... there was nothing simple about the way you treated me since young, nothing simple about the life i've lead compared to my little brother and sister, nothing simple about the things i've done and how you reacted to them. NOTHING.
I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye, but at the same time, i wish you could even just think from a normal point of view. No matter how hard i try i know i'll never be that kid you wanted me to be, because i know that version of me you wanted me to be would be just as selfish as you. This is why, I wish i could treasure you, i really wish i could, but never can i ever feel that warmth a mother should have... instead i feel this emptiness from you, i do things to benefit you, and when it doesn't i get lost...... i'm sorry you feel this sorta way, but at the same time, i'm glad that you've put me through this, because now i know
I WILL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!
I will never raise my kids with your values, i will never let you harm my friends, i will never let you ruin the family even more, and honestly the greatest shame is that i can NEVER say i love mum like any other kid.
I'm sorry mum.
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Thursday, March 4, 2010
chest reliever
It doesn't take much now days to get me upset. I mean usually i turn a blind eye or just try to compromise with the situation. But recently I've been upset about something n its something i really have to get off my chest. PLZ DO NOT READ THIS IF I DO NOT KNOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SCHOOL FRIENDS!!!!!
sry abt the warning but plz. Recently i was upset about a certain incident where I put myself into a position to hurt and be truly mean. I let go of values which i lived by and just laid it out to a dear friend and realy upset their feelings, without fully understanding the circumstances.
I was being ignorant me, i totally ignored the major issues unaware of them right in front of my eyes. Im sry to Otter and Carl. Otter, u know i love u dearly, you never been mad at me fully, never told me lies and never withdrew from any say to protect me........ U know i feel crap about the whole incident, but Im sry and thx for setting me straight!. Carl......what can i say? im upset. im sry that i havent contacted u since the last spout... but when u was upset at me for not making effort for u anymore, isnt it vice versa? i mean this would apply before even my move into the light, you kno i hate it wen some1 is a hypocrite... this is why im upset
i was always the convenient friend. If you didn't have anyone elses shoulders to lean on, you'd call me... Never did i get a call just to say hey how u doing. Always me to firstly come out to you. N quite frankly i was ok with it, so long as im ur friend. But the princess in you always lead you to believe you was always right. Never content with what you had. I know i still owe u money, but at the same time you kno i dont have the means to pay it back right now. Yet it seems like a public way of attacking me... maybe im thinking too much but still its how i feel. If u was such a good friend you'd think to say "hey, maybe we should talk it out" but no always self absorbed and never giving a crap about what others may feel.
I dont want to please u anymore. U make the effort if im so important to u. If not just Fuck off. sry otter.
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American wishlist >:D
If I was born american, this what kenny would be wearing, >;D
Purple Letterman Varsity jacket like the one above.
Adidas Firebird Purple/Yellow limited series
Air Jordan Melo 6 black/blue
bapestas "gummi shoes" white/gold star, crosshatch xmas special
Gucci "bape inspirations" =]
kenny LOVES NIKE DESTROYER PACKS!!!!!!! 1st: destroyer pack 1 2nd: the Nike Dunk Hi Spark Destroyer black 3rd: Original Nike 82' Destroyer Championship varsity jacket 4th: Original Nike 68' Destroyer Championship varsity jacket 5th: Destroyer pack 2, 2009 Nike dunk hi red and black and Nike destroyer cap
Nike AF1 pack 2009 [AF1 black ft yellow 2009 + AF1 caps]
Nike Challenge court Varsity Jacket :D
Charlotte Hornets New era caps <3
Reebok pumps =]
Adidas JS Wings silver and white. --> ones i want =(
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Lost then Found. Then lost forever more.
When we're lost in this world, we try and struggle to find ourselves. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. When we succeed, we know that it was pure will that pulled us through, but when we do succeed, you'll realise that you probably didn't learn much in the process. It's only when we fail, so we find ourselves truly. When we're lost we count on ourselves to be found, but in reality, often it's those around us that help find us. That we can truly understand why we were lost in the first place. Im a bit lost these days, uni has started for those who made it in, tafe or some other institution also started for those who havent. Whereas me, im alone, just sitting waiting for some1 to pick me up and throw me a line and say hey, work for me. But the reason ive been so lost lately is because, Rose has been putting me on reserve these past few days, what i mean by this that since HSC has officially taken her from me, i can only be the guy in the shadows of HSC. So as i am overshadowed by the mountain of pressure on top of all those who are trying to climb this summit, i am left to wait on student with no time. I haven't seen Rose for 3 days since friday.... n today i got to spend an hour with her, n we just lied there for an hour n then pushed over by her friends........ i know crushed. And as i wallowed in my thoughts, waiting for her to finish so i could walk her home, i realised that sometimes, i keep thinking im part of HER "mainstream" world, but wen reality really says that im not... sometimes hopes are raised into expectations that just can't be met, n i hoped to be part of something i probably never will. All of a sudden i find myself, lost. Just finding really what world connected me to her world. Sometimes i really think im just part of a relationship suicide... Either way, shes given up, on us..... if things turn out to be the way that they are meant to, kenny leaves right b4 she starts the final exams and then never get to be. u need an explanation? october---> kenny: canada / Rose: HSC November-> kenny: sydney / Rose: HK December -> kenny: Sydney / Rose: HK January ---> kenny: melbourne / Rose: sydney n since our promise was to wait till she finished HSC, kenny has no chance to finally just be with her rose..... yep fate is cruel.... n now she doesnt want to be. Leaving kenny LOST!!! yes LOST!!!! At the same time she finds me..... she sang to me tonight. From the beginning. a song im not familiar with but somehow it knew me well. At the same time, she says she wants me to hate her, so that i can let go of her easier. I wish it was that easy, she doesn't get i dont want to let her go, i dont want to not have her in my life anymore! It seems its happening all over again. Why do i always pick the girls who want to let go. The girls who seem to never need a guy like me? She finds me, then dumps me back into darkness, lost. As my thoughts run wild like always tonight i sleep with a broken heart. n tomorow i wake up......with no hope.. no love.. before it even began... before the beginning. =(
kenny loves his silhouette.
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"just me."
尹 kenny
Life.
God. Love.
✟BHCACer
o9 Caso
@sydney, soon @Monash
❤Rose
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